


Unsweet Sorrow

by Halmaithor



Series: Your Wound, My Sutures [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Graphic Description, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 14:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21394027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halmaithor/pseuds/Halmaithor
Summary: 'Magnus, my love,If you’re reading this, I am dead. I’m so sorry to leave you this way.'When Magnus finds a letter from Alec, he fears the worst. Set after the wedding, but before the time-skip.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Your Wound, My Sutures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1542370
Comments: 20
Kudos: 258
Collections: Malec Hurt/Comfort Anthology





	Unsweet Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> 'Parting is such sweet sorrow' - Romeo and Juliet
> 
> Okay, so in case you missed it in the tags: THIS IS (mostly) A FIC ABOUT SUICIDE. It has a happy ending, some lighthearted moments, and contains NO ACTUAL DEATHS, but there is plenty of worrying about a possible suicide and talking about it, including a brief mention of different methods people may use. PLEASE proceed with caution, especially if this is a triggering topic for you. 
> 
> Also - this is going to be the start of a trilogy, mostly centred around the concepts of mortality and immortality, but each fic will be able to stand alone.  
(Also, yes, the series title is from 'Immortals' by Fall Out Boy. I'm nothing if not predictable.)

No-one who’s ever met Magnus Lightwood-Bane – except, perhaps, that Seelie couple he met in the 1700s, on the night he decided to see whether vodka, vermouth, absinthe and gin made a good cocktail – would call him _clumsy_. His magic tends to give him a decent awareness of his surroundings, and he’s had nearly eight centuries to get used to the way his body moves; the angle he can lean at without overbalancing. How far his arms swing out when he turns around quickly. What the shake in his hands feels like when he’s just about to drop something, and needs to use his magic to steady it.

Just a few days ago, when Alec handed him his coffee, he said, ‘Thank you, pup,’ and Alec had just looked him dead in the eye.  
‘No problem, kitten.’  
When Magnus had finished choking on coffee and laughter, he asked, ‘Kitten, huh? Interesting. Is it just the eyes?’  
‘That’s part of it,’ Alec admitted. ‘But it’s also the whole…’ He waved his arms, slower and more exaggerated than his terrible _warlock magic _impression. ‘You know. The whole _posture _thing you’ve got going on.’

So, no, _clumsy _isn’t exactly part of Magnus’ extensive reputation – but even with his cat eyes and seemingly feline grace, he’s no match for the wiles of their original wielders. Which is how he ends up tripping over Chairman Meow in their bedroom, stuttering out a curse as his flailing arm knocks half of Alec’s books from his small bookshelf.  
The cat bolts, and Magnus glares after him as he picks up the books, reshelving them.

Alec’s ragged copy of _Spartacus _falls open, and Magnus frowns, lifting out the white envelope tucked between the pages. It bears a single word in a familiar, scrawling cursive.

_Magnus_

He hesitates a moment before opening it, but it _is _addressed to him, after all.

_Magnus, my love,_

_If you’re reading this, I am dead. _

His heart rate skyrockets. He scans the rest of the letter, and by the time he gets to _I’m so sorry to leave you this way, _he’s aware that he’s shaking. By the time he gets to _I just needed you to know that you mean more to me than anything, _he can’t breathe.

The end of the letter almost doesn’t register in his mind, understanding driven out by fear.

_Aku cinta kamu. Always. _

_Your loving husband,  
Alexander _

‘No. _No.’_ It comes out as a whisper, even though it’s circling his mind in a constant scream, because suddenly, he’s back on the balcony at Max’s party, Clary crying out Alec’s name as he falls –

Magnus leaps to his feet, casting about for something to track his husband. Maybe he’s not too late, maybe he can get to him in time – he spots one of Alexander’s favourite jackets on a coat hook, grasps it tightly enough that his knuckles creak in protest, and holds it close to his heart as he breathes deeply and tries to summon the magic he needs.

There’s a split-second flash of Alec’s office, and even though there’s no sign of the man himself, Magnus almost sobs with relief because the tracking _worked, _he’s still alive, there’s still a chance for Magnus to get to him.  
He drops the jacket like it’s burned him, and opens a portal directly into the room where he’ll find his Alexander.

Alec’s stood behind his desk, eyes wide in surprise as he sees the portal – if it weren’t for the fact that only certain warlocks can portal through the Institute’s wards, he’d probably have an arrow nocked, too. ‘Magnus, what-‘  
That’s as far as he gets before Magnus is across the room, hands on Alec’s shoulders, frantically scanning him for injuries. There’s nothing he can see, no incisions near major blood vessels, and a quick pulse of magic doesn’t reveal any toxins in Alec’s system, either.

All the breath in Magnus’ lungs escapes in a _whoosh_, and he drops his head forward to Alec’s collarbone, suddenly dizzy with relief. He’s okay. Magnus made it in time.  
He feels Alec’s arms come up around him, strong hands rubbing small circles on his back. ‘Magnus, what’s wrong?’ Alec’s voice is low, anxious, and utterly beautiful, and Magnus’ breath shudders as any possible reply gets stuck in his throat. Alec swallows, his arms tightening a little. ‘Magnus, you’re scaring me. Please.’

And that brings Magnus back to the moment, frees him from the mire of fear and relief – because Alexander’s okay, for now, but he still wrote that letter, and Magnus needs to pull himself together. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, pulling away to meet his husband’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, and – and I know we’ve been through a lot, lately. It’s not been that long since Edom, and what happened with Isabelle, and before that, with Asmodeus and the deal; I just thought, we talked about it, we were okay, and I didn’t – I didn’t notice. I thought you were okay, I didn’t know you were this low, that things were this bad. And I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I missed it.’ He moves his hands up to Alec’s neck, fingers twining in soft hair, barely pausing for breath as he continues, ‘But I need you to listen to me, okay? You’re not alone. I’m going to – I want to help, to be here for you, and your family does too; and I can’t promise we can fix everything, but I _promise, _I promise we can help – so just – just stay with me, okay?’ He smiles, trying to project strength and reassurance, willing his tears not to fall. ‘I love you. Let me help.’

Alec just blinks for a few moments, looking stunned. ‘Magnus, I- I don’t-‘ He takes a deep breath, apparently steadying himself, and starts guiding Magnus backwards, sitting them both on the worn office couch. ‘Magnus, I don’t understand,’ he confesses. ‘I’m _fine, _I- I don’t know what’s brought all this on.’  
‘I found the note, Alec,’ he says softly, and he takes his husband’s hand. ‘It’s okay, I’m not – I’m not mad, okay? I just want to help.’

‘The note? What-?’ He sees realisation dawn in Alec’s expression, and then a mild horror. ‘Oh, god.’ What he doesn’t expect is for Alec to grab him and pull him closer, meeting his eyes in piercing earnest. ‘God, Magnus, no,’ he breathes. ‘That wasn’t a – it’s not what you think it is, I swear, I just didn’t even _think_ – ‘

He cuts himself off, leaning away a little, but keeping one hand on Magnus’ shoulder, the other grasping his forearm. ‘Magnus,’ he says, decisively, ‘that letter – I swear, it’s not a suicide note.’ Magnus’ breath hitches at the blunt use of the word, even as his mind tries to process the meaning of what Alec’s saying. ‘It’s a… just-in-case note. It’s a goodbye letter, yeah, but it’s not for anytime soon – at least, I hope not.’ He sighs. ‘Look, you and I lead pretty dangerous lives, and even if we didn’t… I’m mortal.’ He pauses, his mouth ticking up into a momentary half-smile. ‘I just… whatever happens down the road, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t leave anything unsaid. That I wouldn’t leave you without letting you know how important you are to me. How much I love you.’

The fear is gone, now, but this turn in the conversation isn’t exactly moving Magnus farther away from the verge of tears. ‘Oh,’ he says thickly. 

Alec’s brow creases in apology, and the hand on Magnus’ shoulder shifts around to his back, resuming those slow, reassuring circles. ‘I should have told you,’ he says. ‘It’s just that I know you don’t like thinking about that kind of thing. But I didn’t even think, I didn’t realise what it would look like if you found it. I’m sorry.’  
Magnus shakes his head, taking a deep breath and blinking his tears away as he smiles. ‘It’s okay,’ he says, his hands moving to Alec’s waist. He huffs something that’s almost a laugh. ‘I’m sorry for barging in and having a meltdown.’  
‘Don’t be,’ Alec says. ‘I mean, now I’m thinking about it, if I’d found that note from you…’ He trails off, then meets Magnus’ gaze again. ‘Look, it’s not like you… had no reason to worry,’ he says carefully. At least, as carefully as one can say _I know I jumped off a building once and it scared the shit out of you._ ‘I know that. But you asked me to tell you if I ever started thinking that way, right? And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been right now, so I don’t see it happening – unless there’s some sort of tragedy up ahead, some upcoming disaster that we just don’t know about.’  
Magnus chuckles. ‘Ah, that trademark Lightwood optimism.’  
‘Shut up, you know what I mean,’ Alec says, rolling his eyes fondly, before his demeanour turns serious again. ‘My point is, I can’t promise that things will _never _get that bad – but I can promise that if they ever do, I’ll tell you. As long as you promise the same.’

Magnus smiles, feeling steadier as the last of the adrenaline fades. ‘Sounds fair.’ He leans in, and Alec meets him in a gentle kiss. ‘I love you,’ he says as they pull apart.

‘I love you too.’ Alec smirks. ‘Kitten.’

**Author's Note:**

> Please do let me know what you thought! <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr:  
silver-latin-and-salt.tumblr.com


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